Thursday, January 8, 2009

If Fantasy RPGs Were Written About Like Sporting Events

TOWERS OF DAMNATION, PLANE OF INFINITE DREAD --Coming back from the edge of defeat to score yet another miraculous, improbable victory, the Warriors of Light beat the Dark Army Saturday night on the Dark Army's home field.

"It's really discouraging," said Dark Army coach Albzug the Unsleeping, "You think you have the ruling piece of the legendary Dragon Gem with which you can bring about the destruction of the entire world, but a last-ditch assault on your vile fortress of evil can really turn things around in a hurry".

By the end of the first half, the Dark Army was well-ahead, having killed off several beloved secondary characters, but they could never quite manage to contain Gar, the peasant-turned-knight who won the love of a princess and was destined to become Lord Evilsbane, Ruler of the Seven Isles of Fate.

"We keep letting some peasant kid have a breakout game against us," said Albzug, his incorporeal body still reforming in the emptiness between worlds.

"We need to start killing them off when they're still 1st-level".

The Dark Army's Warg n' Orc formation, which worked so well in the first half, seemed to grind to a stop in the last minutes.

"Zogg kill guardsmen left and right early on," complained porcine, veteran team leader Zogg Orcblood, "Then all of the sudden Zogg can't hit characters key to the plot despite most implausible circumstances".

Along with Zogg, the Dark Army team shot 89% in the first half, but shot a dismal 4% in the second, with most of those being only superficial, plot-driving wounds. On the other hand, the Warriors of Light, despite being a motley assortment of washed-up warriors, unorthodox rogues, and reclusive, half-mad mages, increased their accuracy from 13% early on in the game to a whopping 114% by the end of it.

"Aye lad, 'twas a fine fight, and to be sure, Love and Justice prevailed, but ye cannae rest easy despite this battle! By my Beard and Axe, more ale!" exclaimed Burdin Rockhammeraxerockshieldhammer, 7-time All-Pro Dwarven Paladin.

With the loss, the Dark Army dropped to 0 wins, 544 losses in the face of True Courage and Friendship. They are, however, favored heavily over next week over the Fellowship of Justice, who have been crying out for a hero lo these many years thus far this season.

5 comments:

Bill said...

Good one Zach!

Questing GM said...

While I don't think this style of writing really suits IC fantasy events, I totally would be able to imagine and believe OCC RPG events as a competetive sport!

DNAphil said...

Sounds like a game of XCrawl. In past XCrawl games, we have had players keep their own stats per weapon. "Well Hack is 9 for 12 using the greatclub tonight..."

Wyatt said...

Odd, my army of darkness is batting a thousand lately, though this would be because the PCs are the leaders...

Giga boy said...

I laughed my ass off