Monday, January 12, 2009

Transcript From The RPG World Congress

In the last part of the first decade of the 21st century, the online RPG community, tired and worn from the D&D Edition Wars and continual, virus-like flame wars over different ways of pretending to be a wizard, decided to unite at Gen Con Indy in an RPG World Congress to attempt iron out its differences. Here is a partial transcript of that event...

Speaker: Very well, then, we have the vote upcoming on Congressional Resolution 1-A, "Gaming Is Fun". Before the vote, the Chair recognizes the Head of the 3rd Edition Party.

3e: Mr. Speaker, we move that the phrase "except for 4e, which is for power-gaming twits" be included.

(general uproar)

Speaker: Order! Order! The Chair recognizes the Head of the 4th Edition Party.

4e: Mr. Speaker, we move that the phrase "except for 3e, which was fun 12 months ago, but now is for Luddites" be included instead.

(even more uproar)

Speaker: Order! Order I say!

3e: Mr. Speaker, we and our allies in the d20 Coalition, the Pathfinder Party, have a number of conditional modifiers which we believe will add to this resolution. We only ask your patience, as we have forgotten some of the page numbers they are on, as well as which ones stack.

4e: GOLDEN FLAME DRAGON STRIKE!

Speaker: The Chair reminds the 4th Edition Party Head he is out of Daily Powers, and so orders the last comment and effect be stricken from record. Please stick to At-Wills, Congressman.

4e: BURSTING SWORDFLAME BURST FLAME!

3e: Just one more moment, Mr. Speaker...carry the 2...subtract 2...

Speaker: (sigh) The chair recognizes the Gygaxian Naturalism Party.

GNP: Mr. Speaker, we ask for a postponement of a vote on this resolution. Several of our members stumbled into a 10'x10' room on the way here and were attacked by 37 Dire Weasels.

Speaker: Is anyone here taking this seriously?

4e: THOUSAND BLADES OF BARSOOMIAN FURY!

Speaker: .....

4e: Sorry.

Speaker: Uh, yes, Nobilis Party? You had your hand raised?

Nobilis Party:


(Uncomprehending Silence, with 3e being heard in the background faintly muttering about grappling)

Speaker: Ummmm...thank you? Now, if you all don't mind, we'll be taking a vote. Um...well, wait, I've just been handed a note. Apparently the Rifts party, the SenZar Party, the Encounter Critical Party, and the Synnibar Party have merged to form the Kitchen Sink Coalition, and wish to propose an alternate resolution (unfolds piece of paper, blinks confusedly). This just says "more lasers".

Kitchen Sink Coalition: HUZZAH!!!

Speaker: Look, knock this off. We've already wasted half the morning with the Gaming Hipster Party introducing a new resolution every 10 minutes for a different game to be proclaimed "The Most Incredible RPG To Rock Out To Ever". Let's take roll call and get on to voting.

4e: Mr. Speaker, before we proceed, can we please get miniatures and a hex map representing the members of this Congress? We, um, don't need them, you see, but there are a lot of conditions and markings to be made, and it does enhance the--(barely dodges a D&D Miniatures Starter Pack thrown from somewhere suspiciously close to the Speaker's chair)

Speaker: Ahem. Now then, Roll Call. White Wolf Fan Party?

WWFP: We never got to add 57 pages of "edgy" goth fiction to this resolution!

Speaker: Traveller Party?

TP: We'll vote as our 77A67B UPP demands!

Speaker: Eden Studios Party?

ESP: Look for our vote--coming soon, in 2015!

Speaker: Inconsistent RPG Blogger Party?

IRBP: Hey guys, sorry I haven't voted on here for awhile. Life got kinda crazy, I'm in a new job, and I just didn't think that...

Speaker: Overzealous GNS Theory Guy Party?

OGNSTGP: (sniff) Gamist.

Speaker: GSL Party?

GSLP: You can use that title, but I retain full rights to this vote, any residual votes, and reserve the right to change your vote at any given time. Your vote may not include the words "vote", "voting", "Beholder", or supplant any original voting material for the purposes of creating an new, stand-alone vote. We reserve the right to notify you to burn your votes in the searing flames of Hell, and you must comply within 30 days. Changes will be made to this vote, and it is your responsibility to be in accord with those changes at all times. Further, you--

Speaker: OK, that's good enough. Now let's vote on the resolution to--YES, WHAT IS IT, Old School Party?

OSP: Excuse me, Mr. Speaker, but we think this electronic balloting is perverse and unnatural. May we please vote by random paper chits? Otherwise, we'd be doing it wrong.

(Chaos Ensues)

The Great Geek Riot of 2009 destroyed several parts of Downtown Indianapolis and led to the outlawing of all imagination-dependent games within Indiana state lines. Unfortunately, this left several old Dragonlance modules as the only available gaming material within 200 miles.

25 comments:

Giga boy said...

Man you are killing me!

Alex Schroeder said...

Is that a page of the Voynich manuscript?

Stuart said...

Nicely done. :)

Zachary The First said...

@ Alex: Yes it is.

clash bowley said...

Brilliant, Zachary! Simply brilliant! :D

-clash

gleichman said...

You know, reading that the sad thought came to me that I actually understood all the references and acronyms...

...and that depressed me.

Olman Feelyus said...

Brilliant!

LOL here.

(holy crap, the word verification is medgeath, which is an anagram for megadeath, is it not? Well almost.)

Dave The Game said...

Awesome!

Especially enjoyed the Nobilis and Blogger parties.

Jeff Rients said...

Huzzah, indeed.

Clangador said...

What no Hackmaster party? Fnord fnord fnord!

Tony Law said...

HA! I've done work for Eden Studios before and you're "impression" of them is spot on. ;)

Chgowiz said...

You forgot the Basic guys.

Speaker: "And lest we forget, the Basic representative will now cast their vote..."

HolmesBasicRep: "Well, we can't really vote on it, since we're only allowed to read up to the third page..."

MoldvayBasicRep: "Oh wait, we can! We can! Uhhh... can you split that into several books? Then we can review it and after a few months, we'll be able to vote..."

D&DCyclopediaRep: "Ohshutup! I'm here and I can speak for all of us! I know it all! I see it all! I have it all!"

StarterBoxesRep: "Wait... we're not with them!"

OK, not quite as funny, but I amuse myself, which ... I don't want to talk about. :P

Donny said...

And that, in a nutshell is why gaming is so complicated to me.

I love gaming, but wish I could take MY game away - to a space station, and hide sometimes.

Max said...

I note with glee that the KSC knows exactly what it wants: MORE LASERS!!

I feel my voice has been heard.

Dane of War said...

Ha! Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

The GURPS Coalition said they'd attend, but they're still busy making their characters.

MountZionRyan said...

Awesome Stuff.

Kelly Bailey said...

GURPS representative: "Sorry I was late, my limp was slowing me down and I have a quirk about taking taxis, and the hex grain was against me."

Age of Fable said...

The Forge:

Aye.

TheRPGSite:

Aye. I mean Nay! A thousand times nay!

Age of Fable said...

Tunnels & Trolls:

We'll vote for the 'more lasers' resolution if no one can hit anything with them.

Age of Fable said...

The Heartbreaker Party:

In our resolution, lasers are called something completely different.

Ambrose said...

What we really pay taxes for...

Zachary The First said...

I love some of these other Party ideas! Nice work, guys! :)

I guess we just need to make this actually happen at Gen Con... :D

thanuir said...

And the homebrewers are still tweaking their suggestion for the perfect voting scheme...

mscjec said...

The Savage World-ers say it is a simple yes or no vote, after all, and have voted five times already. They're now home in bed, but they left the gaming stones to mark their votes. Each red gaming stone is a Yes and the brown gaming stones are a No.