Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Exclusive Interview: That Guy

He has been a part of nearly every gaming group at some point. His name recognition in the RPG hobby may eclipse even that of Gygax. He is, of course, “That Guy”.

“That Guy” has been ruining gaming groups with a huge array of specialized talents and tricks since 1974. It is estimated he has destroyed more D&D campaigns than puberty and having children combined. We are pleased to have him sit down with us for a special exclusive interview. That Guy, welcome.

TG: Thanks. Just in case this interview is actually some sort of ambush, I have to inform you, I am proficient in the seven martial arts, and was thrown out of Special Forces due to professional jealousy.

RPGB2: I’ll have to keep that in mind. Mr. That Guy, what would you say your RPG system of expertise is?

TG: All of them, of course.

RPGB2: I see. And how do you normally demonstrate this expertise as a player?

TG: By yelling at the GM that he is doing it all wrong.

RPGB2: How do you view the other players?

TG: Well, to be fair, only roughly half are idiots. Another quarter simply need my continual interruptions and advice to play their characters properly.

RPGB2: And the remaining quarter?

TG: If they are ladies, they obviously find me attractive. You may label any remaining males as idiots, communists, fascists, Jesus Freaks, heathens, "sheeple", or all of the above.

RPGB2: Let us address the ladies who “obviously” find you attractive. What attentions do you lavish upon them?

TG: Uncomfortable touching, arm or back rubbing, or standing within a personal space area so small it would make an overly cordial Indian uncomfortable.

RPGB2: Ah. And does this stop you from screaming at them when they do something you perceive as wrong in play?

TG: (blank stare) No.

RPGB2: To date, Mr. That Guy, what has been your longest duration as a player with any one gaming group?

TG: A Rifts game in 1997. 4 sessions.

RPGB2: Your second longest?

TG: A Living Realms module at Gen Con last year. 4 hours.

RPGB2: Have you ever chipped in for pizza?

TG: No.

RPGB2: What about when you’re the one who suggested pizza?

TG: No.

RPGB2: What about when you’re really the only one eating the pizza, because you threw a fit when they wouldn’t get your favorite toppings?

TG: No.

RPGB2: When people complain about you, what are they?

TG: Bigots.

RPGB2: Because of….?

TG: Either my ancestry or my medical condition…

RPGB2: Both of which are…

TG: Self-diagnosed.

RPGB2: Thank you. Mr. That Guy, let me pose a question to you. Your campaign group has decided to play a classic fantasy game, one set in Professor Tolkien’s Middle-Earth. Your compatriots are playing a haughty Elven Ranger, a star-crossed Human Fighter, and a plucky, yet ultimately doomed Hobbit Thief. You will play…

TG: A ninja in a trenchcoat.

RPGB2: And when you attempt to kill the entire party in the first hour of the first session, what is your rationale?

TG: It is what my character would have done.

RPGB2: Is there any game in which a ninja in a trenchcoat would not be a good character choice?

TG: No.

RPGB2: Ars Magica?

TG: No.

RPGB2: Bunnies & Burrows?

TG: (angry glare) NO.

RPGB2: I, ah, see. Perhaps we’d better move along.

TG: Yes, we should. I have to get to the dojo.

RPGB2: You train at a dojo?

TG: I have made my own dojo. In my room. It is there I train myself.

RPGB2: Well, thank you for your patience. One more question: when you’re in someone’s home for a game, do you feel any need to be respectful of their dwelling?

TG: Hey, I’m there to game, not to make friends.

RPGB2: Well, I think that sums it up nicely. Mr. That Guy, thank you for coming along. I notice you decided to sit down and get your dice out expectantly. My campaign group will be here in 20 minutes, the police in 10. Please remove yourself from the premises.

TG: Bigot.

23 comments:

Stargazer said...

I think I had this guy in one of my gaming groups ... O_o

Sniderman said...

I am currently giving you a slow golf clap as I nod and smirk. Well done.

Deadorcs said...

Complete and total win. If you have never encountered someone with even 10% of the fail of THAT GUY, then you have not gamed long enough.

Wimwick said...

Ah That Guy, we usually leave a space at the table for him in case he shows up. You just never know with That Guy...

Swordgleam said...

This is why I give people blanks stares of horror when they say "I want to start a D&D club at school." Because at least one, and possibly many, incarnations of That Guy go to any given school.

Thasmodious said...

Yeah they do. And once they find out you game, they will not leave you alone, even while having total contempt for you as a player and person. They want you to fully understand just how epic they are in story after story after story all taken from games they only ever played in their heads.

Jason Richards said...

Quite good. Quite good.

Mark said...

Well done, sir, well done...

:-)

Verification word is "angst". How did it know?

Badelaire said...

That Guy pretty much single-handedly drove our Traveller campaign into the ground over the last two years (it ended over this past summer), and I played in his Harn campaign only a handful of times before I either A) bludgeoned him with a beer bottle, or B) dropped out. Sadly, I took option B.

Gamer Dude said...

Oh that's rich! Love it..

You forgot about fudging the dice when possible and rolling up all of his characters at "home" prior to the session...

Yeah, we've all gamed with "That Guy".

rologutwein said...

Your post is all wrong. My ninja doesn't wear a trenchcoat, he wears a duster. Loser. Why don't you try not to suck so much next time.

HinterWelt said...

Zach, you are lucky you live so far away or I would have to take time off from my dojo to teach you a lesson in how to roll ten nat 20s in a row beheading your pathetic excuse for a character.

I ran two game shops for 5 years. You have just inflicted PTGD on me...self-diagnosed of course.

Zachary The First said...

Thanks, all!

@Gamer Dude: That’s a good one—funny how they roll all those nat 18s at home, huh?

@rologutwein: Not being That Guy, in That Guy’s eyes, I really have no choice but to be a loser. ;)

@HinterWelt: I bet! I’m sure Game Store owners witness an eerily similar procession of That Guy coming through the doors.

PatrickWR said...

Sent this to my gaming group...fought down the urge to send this to all the That Guys I've gamed with over the years...

Zachary The First said...

@Patrick: There should be a That Guy checklist, to help gaming groups ID. :)

Chris said...

I do believe you've touched a nerve. Well done.

In my experience, those who exhibit signs of "That Guy" like behavior either want the biggest guns in the party ("...of course I can conceal an M2A1 Flamethrower AND an M60E3 with a full ammo belt under my armored trench coat, what are you, blind?!" ), desire any and all cybernetic implants with the sole justification that it would make their character "even more awesome", or sneer with open contempt at the very idea of a "pregenerated character."

Ryan said...

Having the biggest guns doesn't make you "That Guy"... insisting that your character have the biggest guns does. Or wanting to play a ninja... or being a 40 year old man with 5-o'clock-shadow, a beret and a Sailor Moon t-shirt...

Ryan said...

Oh my goodness...this is hilarious stuff! Had to share with my gaming buddies. Consider yourself linked. This may be the most accurate description ever, as well.

Giga boy said...

Oh my... I remember having TG in my group.
You forgot he's got a top model cousin he had sex with during a black mass...

Avatar said...

Congrats dude! Very funny interview :)
May I translate and post it on my blog with refeer to your blog?

anarchist said...

I'm pretty sure he would have been around before 1974, playing wargames.

Zachary The First said...

@Giga: Clearly!

@Avatar: Sure, go ahead!

@anarchist: I'm sure he existed long before that. When the Prussian officers were in the midst of their Kriegspiel, he was probably there, telling them their regiments sucked and that they were storming across the Seine all wrong.

E.G.Palmer said...

Man, I hate That Guy. He hangs out in comic stores also, and pontificates endlessly to the poor bastard stuck behind the counter about movie Wolverine vs comic book Wolverine.