Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Winless Rams Turn To Game Master To Save Season

(With apologies to our non-football fans)

St. Louis--Losers of 5 straight games and facing criticism for their handling of game plans, the hapless St. Louis Rams today turned towards 14 year-old Game Master Joseph Smythe to try and reverse their fortunes. The Rams currently rank among the worst teams in the National Football League, near-last in several key categories.

“Sure, I’ve run lots of games”, said Smythe, wearing a black t-shirt and spewing half-chewed Bugles all over a hastily assembled press conference late Tuesday night. “Dungeons & Dragons, Shadowrun, Vampire: The Masquerade—you name it!”

Insiders say the bespectacled, excitable 14 year-old will become a top advisor to beleaguered head coach Steve Spagnuolo, and will help draw up some of the formations for use on both sides of the ball.

Spagnuolo seemed excited about the possibilities Smythe’s tenure offered. “Clearly, we need some help winning games, and I think a proven Game Master is just the person to turn things around for us”.

The Rams players didn’t seem so sure.

“This kid comes in and tells me I’m a ‘tank’”, said 5th-year center Jason Brown. “I’m supposed to ‘take some hits for the rest of the party’. Why the hell are we having a party anyway with five straight losses?”

Running back Samkon Gado seemed confused when interviewed last night. “This little punk comes in and asks if I’m a ‘caster’. I told him I’m a running back. He tells me to hang back and heal the fighters. Do I look like a trainer?”

On the topic of injuries, Smythe seemed optimistic that some injured players would soon make it back and contribute.

“We’ve got some guys on the injury report who were down to 0 Hit Points, but it isn’t as if they’re dead. I mean, they’ll be recovering 1d4 Hit Points with a good night’s rest, so they should be back soon—even sooner if I can find a Cure Light Wounds potion around here”.

Rookie linebacker Dominic Douglas sounded a note of cautious optimism.

“My whole career, coaches have been telling me to take it to the next level. Jason told us that if we stick with him, he can get us all the way to 5th or 6th level. He also said we could multiclass—I’m not 100% sure what it is, but it sounds hardcore”.

Insiders also report the Rams’ defense will likely feature less blitzing plays and more of a new scheme Smythe calls “Spinning Golden Wyvern Rage”. It is not expected to be used more than once daily, though insiders could not explain precisely why.

In other news, plans are still for the Rams to play a 2010 preseason game in Tokyo, and possibly a 2011 game in Sigil.


James V said...

What, no lasers for the safeties?


1d30 said...

When asked how well they would fare against the Tennessee Titans, Smythe became belligerent, arguing that Titans are entirely outside the Challenge Rating for a 3rd level team.

Miami Dolphins DM Mike Suet chittered in response, from his hot tub at the 50-yard line, "Rocks are gonna fall, Joseph. Just like in White Plume '04!"

Tyson J. Hayes said...

Wow, this totally got shared to all the gamers I know. I laughed hard while reading this.

clash bowley said...

Awesome, Zach! Pure awesome!

Tim Shorts said...

Very cool Zack. I'm all for creating a real 'fantasy' football league.

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