Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas Wishes From RPG Publishers

With Christmas just a couple of days away, I thought it would be nice to ask some of the gaming companies out there if they had any sentiments for this holiday season. Here’s what they had to say:

Wizards of the Coast—We would like announce a new edition of Christmas. It’s the same as old Christmas, except you are limited to three gifts at any one time, Santa is now something called a Dragonborn, and the elves in his workshop can now teleport.

The Old School Renaissance—We would like Santa depicted as he was in 1857. Any references to Rudolph, Frosty, or the Little Drummer Boy are patently ridiculous, and have no place in the holiday.

Palladium Books—We’re blessed this holiday season, so you can keep it simple when getting a gift for us. Anything incorporating a chainsaw, several weapons-grade lasers, a rocket launcher, and a cybernetic plug-in should be fine.

Iron Crown Enterprises—We apologize for those of you who downloaded our 2008 Holiday Gift Quality Determination Chart. We know some of you are still working on the equations, and we apologize it has taken this long. However, several department heads at MIT have assured us they are close to a breakthrough.

White Wolf—Santa is a lie. All of Creation is a lie. The dark, edgy truth is that Santa is a meth addict and his reindeer are but the physical manifestation of his angst. Also, the carols shall be written in my blood. I have sent out a card. Some would name it holiday. In it you shall find 13,000 words of edgy fiction.

Outlaw Press—We know there has been some discussion about us using the work of others without permissions, and allegations of stealing art. We just want you to know the reason we’re standing here with your Christmas tree about to go up the chimney is that there’s a light that doesn’t light on one side. We’ll take it up to our workshop, and bring it back here. Honest.

RPGnet---[Sell Me On] Christmas. Hey, so what does everyone think of Christmas? Would it be good if I wanted a holiday with presents, a tree, and goodwill towards men? Or should I just use Wushu?

Ron Edwards—You’re all cowards. Christmas should be about gore and sex. Now buy my latest product.

24 comments:

Jonathan Hicks said...

Superb - how about one from Fantasy Flight Games?

'Merry Christmas - it's nothing like the Christmas you've enjoyed for the last few years and it'll cost you three times as much'

Zachary The First said...

Oh wow—you cut deep there. ;)

Zachary The First said...

I did forget one:

Murry Chrissmuss from Mongoose Wewill be connnncentrating on editing this year.happy holidaye!

Herb said...

Brilliant...

John Fiala said...

Paizo Press:

We're presenting the same Christmas you enjoyed a few years ago, only we've added a few new stats: There's the Combined Gift Bonus, (CGB) and the Combined Guilt Factor (CGF). Determining whether you've had a happy christmas now simply involves adding a d20 to your CGB, vs your spouse's CGF.

Zachary The First said...

@John: LOL!

I hope old Christmas is compatible with Christmas.75.

John Fiala said...

@Zachary

It's mostly compatible. If you're using one of the alternate Santa Clauses from the old expansion books, you might want to give him a few extra feats to make up for the differences.

clash bowley said...

From Flying Mice Games:

"We know we're a little late with our holiday cards, but we wish this to be the very best of Arbor Days for you and your group, from the bottom of our hearts!"


-clash

Mark said...

Merry Christmas from GW - it's pretty much like the last Christmas, except that we've raised prices on it another 25% (sorry!), resculpted Santa's sleigh with more skullz and bitz (now in plastic!), and changed the rules so that the Christmas tree no longer counts as area terrain (sorry, again!).

Enjoy!

Zachary The First said...

Man, I think you guys are better at this than I am.

clash bowley said...

Bah! Your Mongoooose card is the funniest of the lot! :D

-clash

Daddy Grognard said...

LotFP - Christmas is cold...so very cold. If you go into the room, touch nothing, especially not the tree, then perhaps one of you might...might get out alive.

Tim Brannan said...

Very good.

Though if we left Christmas to RPG publishers we would celebrate half the time in July.

Wickedmurph said...

Palladium Books:
The Grinch stole Christmas a few years back, and we're still recovering. But if you buy an amateurish Christmas card from us for $100, it would go a long way towards making sure we have a merry Christmas.

Dr-Rotwang said...

Merry Christmas 1979 from all your friends at Flying buffalo!

Andreas Davour said...

That was hillarious!

Swordgleam said...

"Anything incorporating a chainsaw, several weapons-grade lasers, a rocket launcher, and a cybernetic plug-in should be fine."

I think that's going to be my new standing holiday gift request.

HinterWelt said...

HinterWelt:
We hope to wish you a Merry Christmas this year...but it will likely be delayed until next year and change to something entirely different between now and then and have a lot of wordy, long speeches that run on. Oh, and it will be deferred in honor of Arbor Days since that is what Squirrels like anyway.

Jonathan Hicks said...

West End Games -

*silence*

clash_bowley@yahoo.com said...

Notice Hinterwelt and I both feature Arbor Day. Is a conspiracy at work? Ask the sinister mind control squirrels who beam their devices in from the oak tree outside my window. Thank the squirrel gods for my tinfoil hat! I laugh at their feeble efforts as I eat my acorn lunch!

-clash

Zachary The First said...

You small-press guys just aren't right.

Craig Maloney said...

Steve Jackson Games: IN GURPS Christmas, you can play any number of different Christmas Traditions. You can play a realistic Santa Delivery, or a cinematic Christmas. Also, look for the Christmas Loadouts series.

Age of Fable said...

Fantasy heartbreaker:

I thought eggnog was a bit too sweet, so I've invented an entirely new holiday.

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