Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Houghton Institute For Gamers Who Won’t Shut Up About Their Character

Hello, I’m Zachary Houghton, and I'm the founder of the Houghton Institute For Gamers Who Won’t Shut Up About Their Character.

Does this sound like you? You go down to your local gaming store, purchase nothing, and spend all day at the counter. When people approach to attempt to buy some or ask a question of the proprietor, you begin telling them, unsolicited, about your Dungeons & Dragons character.

Or perhaps you’re at a gaming convention, in the middle of a completely different game, and you begin talking about your half-elf wizard with a Bag of Holding who rides a dire boar into battle. In the midst of a Vampire RPG.

Perhaps it’s even crept into your love life. Are romantic trysts with that special lady being interrupted because you want to relate the restaurant you’ve taken her to the Blue Gryffon Tavern in Faerun that your character burnt down once?

If any of these sound like you, you need to face the truth. You might have Let Me Tell You About My Character Disorder, or LMTYAMCD. Doctors estimate 12% of gamers total, and over 60% of gamers frequenting local gaming stores, have this affliction.

Some non-experts will suggest you have emotional or social problems. They might even say “it isn’t your fault” or, “you have nothing to be ashamed of”. Here at the Houghton Institute For Gamers Who Won't Shut Up About Their Character, we’ll cut through all of that, tell you exactly what your problem is, and get you back to a normal, healthy, social, gaming, and love life before you know it.

Our special 3-step therapy (proven 98.6% effective by independent studies) consists of 3 main steps.

-Informing You No One Wants To Hear About Your Character

-Asking You To Shut The Hell Up About Your Character

-Bludgeoning You With A Custom-Made Lead Pipe Until You Shut The Hell Up About Your Character

Occasionally, the last step may be repeated as needed. We won’t give up on you, even if you won’t give up on believing that somewhere, someone actually gives a crap about your Dragonborn Warlord.

Our caring, dedicated staff will also ensure some of your gateway habits are also attended to, including: smelling of Cheet-Os and cat urine, excess katana ownership, and spending more than 300 days a year in a gaming store while purchasing less than $20 worth of product. We’ll use the same therapeutic methods as needed.

If you, a loved one, or frequent customer to your store can’t seem to stop telling total, disinterested strangers about their quest for Level 20, or if they frequently interrupt daily activities with anecdotes about an imaginary wizard they knew, call us today, at 1-877-4-NO-TELL. We’ll send you one of our informative packets today, and we will get you the help you need. Together.

The Houghton Institute™
We Give A Crap.
Just Not About Your Character.


Stargazer said...

Hahaha! Comedy gold!

jerall said...

Oh man, this sounds like me :)

My paladin's awesome, by the way.

Mr. Gone said...

"Excess katana ownership" HAHAHAH

Totally some dudes I knew in college. Tons of ninja weapons around the house, dragonball hawaiian t-shirts, animal piss everywhere. I will have those dudes enroll, they need help like whoa.

Yoo-Hoo Tom said...

LOLZ, I know some nob that actually has a Facebook Page for his D&D character. Oh wait, thats me......Stop by and friend Grognard Deepmug my lvl 14 Dwarf Warlord/Fighter.

arcadian said...

Too, too funny...

Sniderman said...

Well spoken!

True story: My wife and I are having a drink at the local watering hole, and we ran into a rabid D&D player from my youth. We used to game together every week back in the 80s, and I hadn't seen this guy in 15+ years. "Roger! Great you see you!" says I. "What have you been up to?"
"Well, my anti-paladin character is now at 17th level," he immediately replied, picking up a conversation from 15 years ago. He then went into a 20-minute diatribe of games played and quests undertaken. I STILL have no idea if he has a job, a car, a wife, or kids. My wife and I bid him a pleasant goodbye and got out of there.

ChicagoWiz said...

:hefts iron pipe:

Where's my next appointment with a victim.. er... patient?

Tourq said...

Yeah whatever.

So let me tell you about my character. He's a drow with scimitars...

David Lawson said...

Last year, Jolly Blackburn made a set of "Get Out of Character Story" cards to take to cons. Sounds like you could use some of them.

anarchist said...

I hope this inspires someone to start the Institute for Designers Who Won't Shut Up About Their Dice Mechanic.